Privacy Policy

The explanations and information provided on this page are technically legal but written by people who couldn't afford real lawyers, so we recommend against using this document as your primary source of legal entertainment. You should definitely not rely on this article as legal advice or as recommendations regarding what you should actually do, because we're a satirical publication about Queensland tech startups, not a law firm. We recommend that you seek actual legal advice from people with law degrees hanging on their walls.

Having said that, a privacy policy is a statement that discloses some or all of the ways a website collects, uses, discloses, processes, and manages the data of its visitors and customers. It usually also includes a statement regarding the website's commitment to protecting its visitors' or customers' privacy, and an explanation about the different mechanisms the website is implementing in order to protect privacy. Ours does all of that, but with more sarcasm. Different jurisdictions have different legal obligations of what must be included in a Privacy Policy. You are responsible for making sure you are following the relevant legislation to your activities and location. We are responsible for making jokes about tech startups. Let's not confuse our roles here.

When you visit The Rocket Advocate, we collect:

• Basic information about your device (to judge whether you're still using Internet Explorer)

• Your IP address (so we can determine if you're accessing our site from a WeWork)

• Cookies (both the digital tracking kind and the chocolate chip kind, though we can only store one of these on our servers)

• Information you voluntarily provide (such as your email for our newsletter or angry comments defending your startup)

We use the information we collect to:

• Deliver our absolutely essential journalism to your screen

• Remember your preferences (like how you prefer your satire: scathing or merely cheeky)

• Improve our website (someday, when our developer returns from their "quick coffee break" that began in 2019)

• Send you our newsletter (which is like our website, but it follows you home to your inbox)

• Create aggregate statistics about our readers that we can boast about to potential advertisers (e.g., "Our audience is 62% disgruntled developers and 38% venture capitalists with a sense of humor!")

We share your data with:

• Our hosting provider (they keep the lights on)

• Analytics providers (they tell us how long you spend laughing at our articles)

• Social media platforms (if you use those fancy share buttons)

• Law enforcement (if required by law or if you threaten to launch another blockchain-based pet food delivery service)

We do NOT sell your data to third parties. It's not that we have moral objections—it's just that no one has offered us enough money yet.

Depending on where you live (and how functional your local data protection laws are), you may have rights to:

• Access the personal information we hold about you

• Correct inaccuracies in that information

• Delete your personal information from our systems

• Object to our processing of your information

• Complain about our data jokes to a supervisory authority

To exercise these rights, email us at privacy@therocketadvocate.com. Please allow 4-6 business years for a response.

Our website uses cookies, which are small text files stored on your device. Unlike real cookies, these provide no nutritional value and contain zero chocolate chips.

We use cookies to:

• Remember you've visited before (so we don't have to fake surprise every time)

• Understand how you use our site (mostly scrolling and occasional chuckling)

• Track your reading habits (two articles about failed startups and then a deep dive into VC funding patterns? We see you)

You can control cookies through your browser settings, but disabling them may impact your experience on our site. Specifically, you'll miss out on our "returning visitor" popup that asks if you'd like to subscribe to our newsletter for the 37th time.

We take reasonable measures to protect your personal information from unauthorised access, use, or disclosure. However, no method of transmission over the Internet or electronic storage is 100% secure. So while we strive to use commercially acceptable means to protect your personal data, we cannot guarantee its absolute security. In technical terms, our security system is slightly more sophisticated than a "Keep Out" sign, but less sophisticated than whatever the Queensland government uses to protect its collection of tourism slogans.

We may update our Privacy Policy from time to time. We will notify you of any changes by posting the new Privacy Policy on this page and updating the "last updated" date. Changes become effective immediately upon posting. If we make material changes, we'll send an email notification to subscribers, which will promptly be filtered to your spam folder where you'll discover it six months later.

If you have questions about this Privacy Policy, please contact us at:

• Email: fee@tidalvc.com

• Post: Privacy Officer, The Rocket Advocate Paper, Level 42, The Definitely Real Building, 123 Startup Street, Rocket, QLD 4999

Response times may vary depending on how many venture capital funds have poached our staff this week.

The Rocket Advocate Paper: Where we take your privacy more seriously than most founders take their MVP.