BREAKING: We Thought ABC News Had Started Writing Satire, But Nope, That's Actually Real Life

Billy Evans launches new blood testing startup while wife Elizabeth Holmes serves prison time for... Blood testing startup fraud.

Is This Real Life? Is This Just Fantasy?

In what we initially assumed was the ABC News comedy department's first foray into tech satire, reports have emerged that Billy Evans, husband of imprisoned Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes, is raising millions for a new blood testing startup.

Upon further investigation, our editorial team was shocked to discover this is not, in fact, an elaborate joke but an actual news story published by a legitimate news organisation about events happening in the real world.

"I honestly thought we'd been scooped by the ABC on a satirical piece," said our editor, who spent several minutes staring silently out the window after realising the story was genuine. "But it turns out reality has officially become more absurd than anything we could possibly write."

A Quick Refresher On How We Got Here

For those who somehow missed the entire Theranos saga, Elizabeth Holmes is currently enjoying an 11-year stay at a federal prison camp for defrauding investors of hundreds of millions of dollars by claiming her company had developed revolutionary blood-testing technology that could diagnose countless conditions from a single drop of blood. The technology never worked, the claims were completely fabricated, and the company collapsed spectacularly.

The Audacity Is Hereditary, Apparently

Now, in what can only be described as either the boldest or most delusional move in startup history, her husband Billy Evans is reportedly pitching a new company called Haemanthus (named after the blood lily, because subtlety is clearly not a family trait) that will use lasers to scan blood, saliva, and urine.

According to The New York Times, Evans has already raised a staggering $18.5 million USD from investors who apparently:

1. Have never heard of Google

2. Don't follow tech news

3. Have recently suffered severe traumatic brain injuries

Even more incredibly, the prototype reportedly bears "more than a passing physical resemblance" to the Theranos device, suggesting Evans might be working from some leftover blueprints he found in the garage.

Queensland VCs React With Stunned Disbelief

"This is like watching someone open a new Italian restaurant called 'Salmonella 2.0' after their first restaurant poisoned an entire city," explained a Queensland venture capitalist who asked not to be named because they were still laughing too hard to speak clearly. The company reportedly plans to begin by testing on pets before moving to humans, which one local founder described as "a smart move, since dogs can't sue for fraud or give damning testimony to the SEC."

Relationship Goals: Sharing A Business Model And A Prison Sentence

Evans is apparently hoping to raise $50 million for Haemanthus, proving that while Holmes may have lost her freedom, her spectacular audacity lives on through marriage. When asked for comment, several Queensland investors confirmed they had received pitch materials from Evans but had declined to invest for reasons including "Are you fucking kidding me?" and "Do I look like I keep my money in a pile marked 'Please Take This'?"

The Line Between Reality And Satire Has Never Been Thinner

At press time, our editorial team was still debating whether to continue publishing satirical tech news or simply report actual events verbatim, as the latter appears to have become the more absurdist option.

The Rocket Advocate: Desperately trying to stay more ridiculous than actual tech news since 2025.