RELATIONSHIP GUIDE: Why Working at Startups is Just Dating Fuckboys with Equity

BRISBANE, QLD — Let's face it: working at a startup is exactly like dating a fuckboy. Both experiences promise the world, demand everything from you, and somehow convince you that their inability to provide basic stability is actually a positive trait.

The parallels are too perfect to ignore. Both startups and fuckboys excel at making grand promises with minimal follow-through, leaving you emotionally and financially drained while somehow convincing you it's all part of the journey.

The Five Stages of Startup Fuckboyery

Stage 1: The Love Bombing They shower you with attention and promises. Unlimited snacks, "generous" equity (0.01%), and constant reassurance that "we're going to change the world." It's the corporate equivalent of that 3 AM text saying you're different from all the other girls.

Stage 2: The Constant Validation Seeking Startups call it "investor updates" and fuckboys call it "checking in to see if you're thinking about me" – it's the same neediness in different packaging.

Stage 3: The Resource Drain Startups call it "wearing multiple hats" and fuckboys call it "being chill." Both leave you exhausted with nothing to show for it except stories that make your friends wince.

Stage 4: The Ghosting When the runway ends, they disappear. A mysteriously canceled company-wide meeting, followed by an email about "restructuring." The fuckboy equivalent is three unanswered texts and then seeing them at a bar with someone else.

Stage 5: The Rebound Despite everything, you do it all again with a different startup because "this one feels different" and "they've really learned from their past mistakes."

Corporate Jobs: The Stable but Boring Marriage

By contrast, corporate careers are like stable marriages: less exciting but ultimately more sustainable.

A corporate job is like being married to a reliable but slightly boring partner. They text during reasonable hours, contribute to your bank account, and never ask you to "disrupt an industry" at the last minute.

Your corporate spouse might not send heart-racing Slack messages at 2 AM about a "revolutionary new feature idea," but they offer health insurance, predictable hours, and the novel concept of actually being paid what you're worth.

The Addictive Appeal of Startup Life

Yet despite all the red flags, many of us still prefer startups. Corporate jobs might be stable, but startups are where the magic happens. It's like how everyone knows fuckboys are bad news, but the stories are always better. Sure, they'll break your heart and probably your bank account, but at least you'll never be bored.

Sometimes the roller coaster is worth the nausea. Just go in with your eyes open and maybe a prenup—or in startup terms, a well-negotiated severance package.

The Rocket Advocate: Where we tell Queensland tech truths while still coming back for more punishment.